Category Archives: Humor

May 15, 2013 · 1:00 pm

Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me by Chelsea’s Family, Friends, and Other Victims

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I find Chelsea Handler hilarious. She has that perfect amount of meanness about her that I find endlessly amusing. I wish I could watch Chelsea Lately more, but dude it comes on late and I am a bum that likes to go to sleep earlier than that. This review probably won’t be very long, which is why it’s beefed up with Chelsea Handler GIF’s.

chelseas duh face

So this, as you can probably guess, is a book compiled of stories from various people in Chelsea’s life about the lies and pranks that she pulled on them. OBVIOUSLY you’re in for a good treat there. Since each chapter is by a different person, there were some chapters that just didn’t work for me because I didn’t like the person’s style or tone, but those were just a couple. There were several chuckle-worth moments and one part in particular that actually had me laughing hysterically (at work, so it’s a good thing I work alone).

Damn... I should've read this book while drinking...

Damn… I should’ve read this book while drinking…

What I liked in particular though is that all of these people, after ALL of the crap that Chelsea has pulled on them, still totally love her. Almost every story mentioned that if she’s screwing with you, it’s because she likes you, and that no matter what she’s an awesome, loyal person. Sure they could just be saying that to suck up to her, but I don’t necessarily think that’s the case. One story in particular about how she tricked her friend into stashing Excedrin into her lady parts (she told her friend it was Ecstasy) to get through the airport security actually revealed that lengths that she would go to help snap her friends back to reality when they’re going down a bad path.

chelsea judges you

Soooo other than that – a funny book that makes me laugh and also makes me wish that I knew Chelsea Handler in real life – what else am I supposed to say? It’s funny and amusing, read it when you need something a quick book that’s light and fluffy. I bet it’d be a GREAT beach read.

chelsea says enoy

Sarah Says: 3.5 stars

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January 5, 2013 · 6:00 am

Weird Things Customers Say in Bookstores by Jen Campbell

Weird Things Customers Say in Bookstores

 

MAN I miss working in a bookstore. Or at least, I miss working around books. Cause let’s be honest, working in retail kind of sucks and interacting with customers can be such a headache sometimes. But that’s what this book is about!

Basically, Jen Campbell works in a London bookstore and was amazed at the weird things that customers say and do, and she started posting quotes on her blog of said happenings*. Well, it caught on and then Neil Gaiman discovered it and started posting links to her blog, and eventually a publisher offered to publish a book of all the crazy nonsense customers spew. And voila! Here we are.

So this here is a collection of  “weird things customers say in bookstores”, some of which come directly from Jen’s experience and some from other people who sent their own quotes or experiences to her. I understand I have the American edition (I think the UK edition is Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops, which makes me wonder yet again why publishers think Americans are idiots when it comes to book titles - we know that a “bookshop” is a “bookstore”) and it may or may not have different quotes than the UK edition, because they reached out to US booksellers in particular for quotes and stuff.

ANYWAYS, this book is SO PERFECT for you if you’ve ever worked with books (I imagine there are similar ridiculous occurences in libraries). I worked in a bookstore for a little over a year when I was 18, and it was the BEST. I definitely had a few similar situations as some in this book, but some are so completely bizarre I almost can’t believe they happened. I chuckled here and there and it was a quick read, since it’s basically a bunch of short quotes and tidbits. Here are some that were particularly amusing…

“Customer: My kids are just climbing your bookshelves. That’s ok, isn’t it? They won’t topple over, will they?” - *sigh* What an annoying parent.

“Customer: Where are your fictional novels?” - Oh you poor soul.

“Customer: Do you have a copy of Atonement? But not the film cover, please. Keira Knightley’s neck makes me want to punch things.” - I totally understand, dude.

“Customer: I just don’t like my Kindle. I like real books. They are like cozy blankets to me.“ - Cozy blankets, indeed.

So yeah, if you’re looking for a short book to make you laugh and feel all warm and fuzzy about books and bookstores, read this. I bought my own copy, to browse through at random and because I get all sentimental and whatnot about missing Waldenbooks.

Sarah Says: 4 stars

 

* Jen Campbell’s blog is pretty fun, so I suggest you check it out. Also, she has another book coming out – More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops and the release date is April 18th of this year, though that might just be in the UK, I’m not sure. Either way, I’ll probably buy it when it’s available.

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September 8, 2012 · 5:00 am

My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler

 

Chelsea Handler is just hysterical. I just really like her sense of humor – it’s crass, sarcastic, and a little mean. So OBVIOUSLY her talking about her various sexual encounters in a book is bound to be hilarious.

I kind if liked that at least half of these stories were about times she DIDN’T sleep with a guy – there were a lot of awkward situations that she got herself into but never turned into anything more than that. I laughed out loud several times while reading this, especially when she started to go on and on about her love of midgets. There’s male strippers, Ecstasy, sketchy cruises, costumes, copious amounts of drinking… it gets crazy. Of course there was nothing eye-opening or truly surprising here, but it was a fun book. I read it in a couple of hours, and it was fluffy, mindless, and made me laugh.

This is a perfect book to read if you’re just trying to relax and want something short and hysterical to read. My only recommendation is that you read it with a nice amaretto sour or some other sort of fun drink, cause Chelsea’s constant consumption of alcohol kind of makes you want to get up and make yourself  a drink.

 

Sarah Says: 3 stars

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September 1, 2012 · 11:49 am

The Pirates! In Adventure with Ahab by Gideon Defoe

The Pirates in an Adventure with Ahab, Gideon Defoe

 

Ohhhh, the pirates. Ever so entertaining.

This is the second The Pirates! book, although I don’t think that they necessarily have to be read in order, but I choose to cause I’m like that. In this little book, Pirate Captain finally agrees that their ship is literally falling apart, and they take a trip down to Nantucket to buy a ship from Cutlass Liz’s boatyard. Cutlass Liz is DA BOMB. (Yup, that just happened.) For instance:

“Cutlass Liz changed the colour of her hair as often as the Pirate Captain ate mixed grills, but at the moment it was a vivid red, which went well with the bloodstains on her blouse.”

And in an unwise, rash decision the Pirate Captain decides to purchase THE most expensive boat she has, and she gives him a deadline in which to come back with her 6000 doubloons or else she’ll hunt them down and a bloodbath will ensue. Also, they meet Captain Ahab who is constantly on the hunt for that jerk giant white whale, and antics happen. Seriously, it’s less than 150 pages so if I tell you much more the whole story will be ruined.

These books are just such great, funny short reads. I laugh out loud a lot, and read it with a pencil nearby so I can mark off my favorite lines, such as:

“And besides – who hasn’t slit a man’s belly open for looking at them cock-eyed?”

And in the back of the book there’s about three pages worth of fake titles in the series, and a whole bunch that I wish were real, including The Pirates! In An Adventure with Your Mother, The Pirates! In An Adventure with Zombies, The Pirates! In An Adventure with Jennifer Garner, The Pirates! In An Adventure with the Goonies, and The Pirates! In An Adventure with the IRS. You know, just to name a few.

HYSTERICAL.

Sarah Says: 4 stars

 

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July 5, 2012 · 8:00 am

The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists by Gideon Defoe

The Pirates book, Gideon Defoe

 

Well what a fun, bizarre little romp this was! I had seen reviews of these “The Pirates” books popping up on a few different blogs, and I was intrigued so I added the first one to my Paperbackswap wishlist. It became available, I ordered it, and it arrived on Monday right before I had to go to work. Perfect!

Sooooo… The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists is a goofy little book about pirates. Basically, the ridiculous Pirate Captain worries that his pirate crew is getting bored, so they set off for an adventure! They end up meeting up with Darwin, who needs their help, and they decide to help him.

I honestly don’t know how I can describe this book, except that it’s very, very silly and made me giggle out loud several times, which was awkward cause I was at work “training” the temp (AKA letting him take all the calls and do all the work and let me know if he needs help while I sit there and read/play with my phone/do sudoku puzzles). I kept underlining the funny parts to refer back to them later and read them to the honeyman. Such as…

“I will lay the smackdown on your wicked ways!”

and

“If the pirate with a scarf had been more poetically minded he’s have thought that her eyes were like a thousand emeralds, glittering in a far off pirate treasure chest. But he wasn’t, so he just thought that she had really really green eyes, a bit like seaweed.”

See how funny? This was only about 130 pages, and it was time well spent. It made me laugh, and I’m looking forward to reading the other books as soon as I can get my little hands on them. I shall own them all! Also, as a side note – I had no idea that the claymation movie called The Pirates! that came out recently was based on these books. So OBVIOUSLY I have to watch it now.

 

 Sarah Says: 5 stars

 

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June 30, 2012 · 2:07 am

Married With Zombies Readalong Ch. 21 – 26

 

Woo-hoo, the final week! Sorry this is a day late – I’ve been exhausted from work. So little energy I might as well be a zombie, haha. Questions this week are from Missie at The Unread Reader.

1. In Chapter 21, David and Sarah venture into a grocery store to try to find some essentials. Show us a picture of the top three items you consider your essentials when you go shopping.

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My coffee, and the sandwich basics for the honeyman’s lunches. On the list just about every week.

2. Sarah and David travel quite a distance to “visit” a family member. Show us a picture of your most recent family vacation. Who did you visit and where did you go?

Yeah, my family doesn’t really do family vacations. Like, ever. So sadly, no pictures exist of such an event. Hopefully someday soon though. It’d be nice if we could all take a trip to Hawaii to visit our cousins.

3. Sarah refers to David’s sister as the Martha Stewart type because she likes to make things from scratch. Show us a picture a hobby or home project you get enthusiastic about making/doing.

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I used to scrapbook all the time. The latest that I was working on was putting together all of my childhood photos into one big pretty scrapbook. It’s not very fancy or anything (I wish I had a Cricut machine!) but the sentiment is there, and I miss playing with all my scrapbooking stuff.

4. David and Sarah decide to start up their own Zombie exterminators business, and even come up with a name and slogan for it, “S and D Zombie Extermination. We take care of your undead issues.” If you opened up your own zombie killing business, what would you call it, and what would your slogan be?

Well, if I’m slaying zombies with the honeyman, it’d be something practical like “Zombie Response Team for Hire – For all your extermination needs”. But I’d personally lean towards something a little more snarky like “We-Told-You-So Zombie Slayers – Prepared to kill zombies since before they were zombies” or something of that nature.

5. What were your favorite/least favorite parts of Married with Zombies? Aside from David and Sarah, who was your favorite/least favorite character?

I think my favorite parts are the fun perks of the zombie apocalypse – stealing cars, crashing into stuff, scavenging / looting, etc. My least favorite part might be the beginning, because Sarah was such a BRAT and David was such a loser and at first you want to hit their heads together and tell them to grow up. But then you know, zombies come along and make them grow up anyways.

I definitely didn’t like David’s sister… what was her name? I was kind of glad that she immediately became a zombie snack. My favorite other character was probably that girl who saved their asses in the car shop and then refused to go with them. She was a tough young girl, and paranoid. I liked that.

6. What do you think is coming up next for David and Sarah? Which do you think has a better chance of survival, their marriage or their humanity? Will you continue reading this series, and if so, what do you hope to see happen in the next book?

Well that’s not fair cause I’ve already read them all! I can say though that after the way the third book ended, I really really hope that we see more of Sarah and David someday. Sadly Orbit (I think that’s the publisher… don’t have the book in front of me) only did a 3-book contract for this storyline or something, so if there’s another S&D book it’ll be self-published by Jesse Petersen. I wish there was more we could do as readers, cause I’d love another 3 books about them!

Anyways, so happy I got to re-read this book with all of you!! And I loved the scavenger hunt aspect. SO much fun!!! Thanks a million to all the hosts!

~Sarah

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June 22, 2012 · 3:09 pm

Married With Zombies Readalong – Ch. 16-20

 

Alriiiight week 4!  This week’s questions are from Tina’s Book Reviews:

1. In chapter 16 David and Sarah are attacked by freezer zombies in chef attire. Despite its rotten food and disgusting kitchen, lets think about what it could of been before the attack, give me a picture of your dream kitchen or a pic of you cooking your favorite food in your own kitchen… or both!!!

 

This is very similar to what my dream kitchen would look like – lots of natural wood, some windows, and with an island. And hopefully two ovens.

 
2. In Chapter 16, David winds up killing those freezer zombies with a blank show me your best one….and yes it must be yours!!!!

OK, we were supposed to show our machetes, right? Or was is just any big blade? Anyways, this is our machete. We should go buy some more, now that I think about it. Can’t have enough machetes in the house.

 

3. In Chapter 17 David and Sarah find themselves with some cult like people and wind up trapped. How would you escape? Ropes? Blankets….show me your best.

 

So sheets is a great idea but I’m too lazy to go tie up my own for a picture. But hopefully in this situation we’d be wearing paracord bracelets – certain types of paracord can hold up to 550 lbs and would definitely be handy in that scenario.

 

4. In Chapter 19 David and Sarah find a surprise in the car they stole…in the midst of crazy its a nice welcome. Now whip me up your favorite one and share……you can include recipes!!

Cheers! My go-to drink is an amaretto sour – one part amaretto, one part triple sec, and two parts sweet and sour mix. Love that this gave me an excuse to go make and drink one :-)

 
5. In chapter 20, Sarah gets to kill a zombie with a cash register, bringing back memories of her worst retail job ever….so tell me whats the worst job you’ve had……if you can include pictures in your uniform I will die laughing…..or a picture of the place you worked will be good too…:).

A costume store that only opens for Halloween and then closes right after. I had to stand by the side of the road in costumes holding signs. Enough said.

I can’t believe we’re almost done! This is where I think Sarah and David really come together as a team, and I love the looting/scavenging scene in the sports store. It’s one of the things I look forward to the most in zombie apocalypse :)

Oh and in case anyone is wondering, that scratch on my forehead is from my kitty. She ran over my face in the middle of the night and I woke up with that. She’s lucky she’s cute.

~Sarah

 

 

 

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June 15, 2012 · 7:00 am

Married With Zombies Readalong – Ch. 11-16

Hi guys! Yayyy it’s week 3! The honeyman has been reading this book too and he finished it earlier in the week and liked it :-) Fun for girls AND boys!

So, here’s the stuff for this week, hosted by Loretta at Between the Pages.

1.) In Chapter 11 Sarah, Dave & Amanda were rushed by 4 zombies. At this time Sarah screams something. 
SHOW ME YOURS!! Don’t have one? That is ok, show me what you would grab outside to protect your self!!

Yeah… I was worried this would come up. Whether or not I own any firearms, you can be damn certain I’ll never be displaying them on the internet. But rest assured that once we buy a house, there’ll be something like this in every room.

 

2.) At the end of Chapter 12 they are saved by someone looking very “Underworld” awesome. Let me see your best “Slay em’ Gear” . Don’t want to model your outfit? That is ok, lay it out.. don’t forget to add your weapons!! 

Add in some sneakers that this is what I have on hand. The honeyman really needs to take me leather jacket shopping soon, cause I wouldn’t want my arms this bare.

3.) Near the end of Chapter 13 Sarah finds something under the seat to help Dave, that she saved for whenever the need gave in.  What was it? “Strike” your best pose!

Hmm, a tiny little flame looks weird on camera. Love my long candle lighter.

 

4.) Nothing very “action pic” happens in Chapters 14 & 15. So this is where you can show me what car you would pic to ride around town, trying to survive. This can totally be a “Google” pic or you can go find one!! Think outside the box!

 

I’d start off with my car – it’s good on gas, compact enough to fit in tight spaces, and the rounded shape will make it harder for zombies to latch on.

 

And once my Beetle is no longer usable, we’d switch to some sort of SUV – the Honda CRV has enough room, is big enough to help push some smaller vehicles out of the way, and is good on gas. Honestly I’d take whatever SUV comes along though, and assume that we’d have to switch vehicles often.

5.) How are you enjoying the book so FAR?!!!

Still loving it. I would have to kick some serious crazy cult ass. And even though Amanda was finally pulling her weight, she kind of really had to go. I don’t understand Dave’s pack-mentality. Sure, it seems like there’s safety in numbers, but being in a large group of survivors also means you’re at the mercy of the decisions of people you don’t know or trust and that they’ll slow you down. I’m with Lisa – better off just one or two people than in a group.

So you know, if it’s zombie apocalypse outside, don’t show up at my house. We’re not taking tag-alongs.

 

~Sarah

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June 8, 2012 · 11:22 am

Married With Zombies Readalong – Ch. 6-10

Hi guys!!! It’s week 2 of the Married With Zombie Scavenger Hunt Readlong! (Man, try typing that 5 times faster.) This week’s questions are from Ashley at The Bookish Brunette, and again for convenience’s sake I copied the questions here along with my pics / answers!

1.In Chapter 6, Sarah and Dave raid Amanda’s apartment for guns… When they come out they run into their super, Mr. Gonzales, when he tries to attract Sarah: What does she hit? Do you have one of these? You could totally bash some Zombie brains with one! Show me whatcha got! If you don’t have one of these, then anything that you would find in a hallway of an apartment building! (good luck!) lol
 

I never really noticed this in our hallway before. Good to know!

 
2. In Chapter 7, Sarah and David are watching a news report of the zombie attacks when the doctor on TV attacks the reporter… The news crew steps in and starts bashing the zombie with a _______, grab the nearest similar object (whatever’s handy) that you would use if you were attacked at WORK!
 

I’m kind of screwed if I get attacked at work. I work in a tiny little shack that I can’t defend, and my best weapon is a hole punch. I’ll have to make it to my car somehow. Oh and look – another fire extinguisher!

3. Chapter 8… Amanda, Sarah and Dave are preparing to head out of town, and while they’re getting in the car, three zombies attack them! Sarah bashes one with the butt of her shot gun as instinct takes over, so whatcha got? You’re getting in your car, fleeing the city- zombies attack, no guns or knives… What are you going to use to defend yourself??

 

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Sorry for the crappy image, but I took this in my car right before work at 2 AM, so it was a bit dark. Anyways, this is a metal rod my little brother gave to me as a apt.-warming present. He knows I like to be prepared to defend myself!

 

4. In Chapter 9 & 10 there aren’t any zombie killings… That we could replicate!!! So, give me a couple of your favorite quotes from Chapters 5-10!!!

Oooohhh fun! There’s so many great quotes in this book :-)

“Give each other a compliment every day. Even when the undead attack, its nice to feel pretty. Or badass.”

“Have you ever just wanted to smash your car? Or break a television? Or maybe burn a big fire in the middle of a city square? If the answer is yes, then you’d have some fun during a zombie infestation. It’s the little moments, you know?”

 

So, the plot moves forward! There’s lots of nice zombie action in these chapters, and Sarah and David are still kind of on the rocks but they’re also starting to learn how to enjoy the little things acknowledge each other’s strengths. And now there’s HELLA lots of zombies for them to battle through! Love it, I can’t wait to read the next chapters! (I’m really gonna have to re-read the rest of the series too after his one is done.)

~Sarah

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June 1, 2012 · 8:00 am

Married With Zombies Readalong – Ch. 1-5

Hi everyone! I am so, so, so excited to be re-reading Married With Zombies by Jesse Petersen, and I am SO pumped for this readalong. So, this week’s questions are from Jen at In the Closet with a Bibliophile, and just for convenience’s sake I copied the questions here along with my pics / answers!

1. In chapter 2 Sarah has to put her marriage therapist “to rest” with a letter opener. Let’s see your weaponized letter opener in mid-action! No letter opener? Think fast! You need to rescue your friend/significant other! What are you going to use when no actual weapons are available? No knives, no guns! Show me what you’ve got!  
 

This was my grandma’s, otherwise I wouldn’t have a letter opener. Thanks, Grandma!

2.  In chapter 2 Sarah is wrestling with Dr. Kelly and David can’t seem to find a weapon to help his dear wife with. Until…Sarah yells at him to use something on Dr. Kelly’s body, which he grabs and smashes into her head. I want to see your most killer pair of this item!
 

Umm yeah, my most “killer pair” have a 1-inch heel. That ain’t gonna do much…

 
3. In chapter 3, Sarah hears an unexpected noise in the bathroom while she’s nervously peeing. She grabs “the closest thing there was to a weapon in the room”. I want a picture of the same type of item that is closest to you….no soft edges people. They won’t do the brain damage necessary to kill the living dead. 
 

The honeyman’s giant leatherbound hardcover of Gray’s Anatomy should do nicely. Oh the irony.

 
4. At the end of chapter 5, Dave gives Sarah a weapon just before they are leaving their apartment to pay a little visit to Jack & Amanda’s apartment. Let’s see a picture of yours (same type of item).

If my survival depends on a flashlight, I’m screwed. This thing is super flimy (but holds drill bits inside) and the light itself doesn’t even work. Add one more thing to my apocalypse to-buy list…

5.  How do you feel about the book up to this point? Any thoughts you want to share? 

I forgot how fun these books are. I also forgot how annoying Sarah is in the beginning, lol. She’s really kind of bitchy. But I do love her funny little jokes, like joking that her therapist didn’t need a sandwich, she needed a “manwich”. LOL. I really like how the author does SUCH a good job of painting a realistic day-one scenario. Using whatever’s around as a weapon, getting used to the gore quickly, debating whether or not to add a person to your group, etc.

Anyways, can’t wait to read the next section! These chapters fly by so fast!

~Sarah

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