Oh man. The Book of Horrible People continues. Thank you again to Alley for hosting this, because despite how much I’m loathing the book and Franzen, it sure is fun to bitch about.
So, this section starts off with an intro to a character named Robin, and her husband Brian, and how they know Denise. This part was pretty boring, partly I think because we learn about Robin only through her experiences with all the men in her life, including her absolutely psycho older brother, Billy. And then her husband becomes a millionaire, which is awesome, except she has some stupid guilt over it, and while I appreciate the good that she tries to do… she’s also kind of annoying. She didn’t do a damn thing wrong, but she’s all guilty and blah blah blah. She’s not a bad person (yet), but her weird self-righteous stand here was silly.
ANYHOO. So then we meet Denise! I had such high hopes for Denise… and then we learn that she apparently likes to go after married men. And then she talks a great guy into marrying her, and then decides she doesn’t want to be married anymore. So she kinda sorta decides to be gay, so she doesn’t have to feel guilty about leaving her marriage. And then that doesn’t pan out, so then she doesn’t date for a long time… until she meets Brian and Robin, and she – wait for it – SLEEPS WITH BOTH OF THEM.
Denise is sneaky. Because otherwise, she seems like a cool person. She’s driven, she works hard, she loves food (I love people who love food!), she kind of tries to get along with all of her family (even douchebag Chip)… but she’s a horrible, horrible person. There’s no hiding that. She purposely tries to entice Brian into sleeping with her, and when Robin shows some jealousy, she spews out this little gem after getting off the phone with her:
“I could have fucked your husband!” she said. “And I chose not to! So how about a little friendliness?”
Because OF COURSE Robin should be thankful that you made out with her husband but at the last minute decided not to sleep with him. I walk around all day thinking I should be friendly to all the women who decide not to sleep with my boyfriend (although my honeyman is famous for telling women to fall the fuck back when they try to get too flirty – Brian is a monumental asshole here too). *EYEROLL OF THE CENTURY*
Anyways, so because Brian initially turns her down, she decides to seduce Robin, and they have an affair for a while until she feels betrayed because Robin is still having sex with her husband (ohmygod, you hypocritical bitch), and then she finally worms her way into sleeping with Brian. And then they find out she’s been sleeping with them both, and she feels all hurt because Brian fires her after that. Denise is not as blatantly obnoxious as Chip, but she is JUST as horrible of a person as Chip. UGH.
Then things go back to Chip, and he’s living it up in Lithuania until – surprise, surprise – shit starts to hit the fan there. This part was pretty boring, with a couple “You’re such an asshole, Chip” moments. And then a tank shows up and the power goes out at the airport, so maybe Chip will die after all!
I like how I end each section hoping that somebody (all of them) die. I have a feeling I’m probably not going to get that wish, but I could hope.
Let’s list some quotes that I just wrote “I hate you, Franzen” next to, okay?
- “She was haunted, just as she’d feared, by the afterimage of his dick.” (Yeah, that’s what we think to ourselves.)
- “Her surfeit of gifts and opportunities, in comparison to Don Armour’s, manifested itself as a physical botheration – a dissatisfaction that pinching the sensitive parts of herself might address but couldn’t fix.” (Maybe PINCHING is the problem. Don’t quite know how women work, do ya Franzy?)
- “She felt positively shoved by Robin into Brian’s arms.” (*eyeroll*)
- “She also resented that the college was making her feel guilty about her privileges while granting certain lucky identity groups plenary indulgences from guilt.” (Yeah, no college makes rich kids feel guilty. They love rich kids.)
- “Gitanas scratched his scalp and smelled his fingernails,” (Gross, Franzy. Who DOES things like this?)
Anyways, so one more section of The Corrections! Any predictions? I’m thinking that Denise is going to sleep her way through the entire married population of St. Jude, Chip will annoyingly enough make it to Christmas but give everyone dirt for a gift, Gary and Jonah will show up and he might announce his divorce from evil Caroline, and Enid will slowly go crazy taking care of her horrible invalid husband while she tries to feed all of her terrible, selfish children Christmas dinner.